NOTE: This conversation is fictional. President Obama has not yet demonstrated the ability to talk to animals.
THE OVAL OFFICE, THE WHITE HOUSE, PRESENT DAY
His Serene Loftiness: Good morning, Ms. Hen. I trust you slept well, that your accomodations were satisfactory?
LRH: Thank you and good morning to you, too, Mr. President, but I'm glad you asked. Maybe I'm being presumptuous but I thought your guests usually stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom or maybe Blair House. Spending the night in a barnyard in Loudoun County was disappointing in the very least.
His Serene Loftiness: I can see your point and I can sympathize, but Rahm thought you'd be more comfortable in a familiar setting. The pomp and protocol of the White House can be a little overwhelming, as I'm sure you understand.
LRH: If you'd have let me judge for myself, I'm sure that I would indeed understand, such as if you'd lent me the use of your limousine for the ride in this morning instead of the back of a poultry truck, but I think we're getting off-track.
His Serene Loftiness: Indeed we are. Let's proceed to the substance of our meeting, shall we?
LRH: By all means.
His Serene Loftiness: Very well. Now, Ms. Hen, you know from my background that I have nothing but the greatest respect for single mothers and the challenges you handle every day but we're facing the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression and we all have to move out of our comfort zones if we're going to pull out of this, agreed?
LRH: So far, so good, Mr. President.
His Serene Loftiness: Great, great. Well, here's the thing, Ms. Hen: I'm very concerned about this situation involving the wheat and the bread and the way you handled it. From the reports I've received, it sounds like you behaved in a very selfish, profit-seeking, elitist manner toward Mr. Dog, Mr. Cat and Mr. Duck and we have to change that if we're going to move this country forward.
LRH: You're kidding. That's why you asked me to come here, because those lazy good-for-nothings ratted me out? Because I didn't share my hard-earned bread with three goldbricks? I can't believe this!
His Serene Loftiness: Ms. Hen, I'm going to have to ask you to control yourself while you're in the White House. Characterizing your neighbors in such an insulting manner doesn't move the process forward and you can't possibly know everything about their situation, how they got to where they are. Judging them so harshly doesn't help.
LRH: But didn't your Attorney General just call us a "nation of cowards"? How is that not being judgmental? Sounds hypocritical for you to accuse me of something Eric Holder just did.
His Serene Loftiness (glaring): Ms. Hen, Eric Holder is a friend of mine, he is a brilliant, accomplished legal mind and this administration is extremely lucky to have him serving in such an important post. On judicial matters, he speaks for me and I'll remind you that I won the election last November, not Senator McCain, I get to set this country's agenda and I get to say who's judgmental and who's not! Now as I was saying, your behavior toward Dog, Cat and Duck is disturbing in that you refused to help them when you had the chance, and as the American people have given me a mandate to change the culture of greed and corruption that has pervaded our country for decades, I wanted to persuade you to change your attitude so we can all move this great nation forward into the future. Will you get on board? Can I count on your support?
LRH: Mr. President, I want to make sure that we both understand exactly what happened before we "move forward," as you put it. And another thing: I may live with a bunch of cackling hens but that doesn't mean that you have the right to disrespect me. I won't have it.
I was scratching for food in a wheat field some time ago - I am, after all, a chicken - when I found some grains of wheat and thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if I had some bread for a change?" It may strike you as odd that I have any preferences about my diet or that I even know what bread is, but that's all beside the point. The point is that at each step in the process - planting, harvesting, milling and baking - I asked Dog, Cat and Duck if they would help me and they all refused, leaving me to do all the work. So when the bread was ready to eat, I thought it was only fair that I keep it for myself and my chicks. After all, I have to think about them, don't I? At any rate, that's what happened and I dare anyone to gainsay any of what I've said.
His Serene Loftiness: Not at all, madam, not at all; in fact, the reports I mentioned earlier dovetail exactly with the account you just related, leading me to this conclusion: That you are indeed the sort of stingy, profiteering, me-first sort of individual that my administration has dedicated itself to reform. You could've helped three of your neighbors who were reaching out to you and deliberately ignored their desperate cries, displaying a shocking lack of sensitivity and compassion in these difficult times. It is therefore my order that your bakery operation be immediately placed under the supervision of the Federal government as part of my overall stimulus plan for the economy, to wit: Every loaf of bread you bake from this point onward be shared equally between yourself and Messrs. Dog, Cat and Duck to ensure that nobody goes hungry, to spread some of that wealth around as the saying goes, to ensure that nobody gets left behind. That is my order, Ms. Hen, and I hope you understand that it is only issued in the best interest of the country.
LRH: I'm trying to understand what just happened. Are you saying that because I refused to subsidize my deadbeat neighbors just one time, that I have to bake for them indefinitely? What kind of stimulus is that? They get fed whether they work or not while I get to slave for them? What sort of incentive is that for me to keep working, when 75% of what I produce goes to feed three sluggards? I doubt you've thought your plan through, Mr. President, because that's its Achilles heel. You call me into your office to criticize and berate me for refusing to share what I earned with others who refused to lend a hand, and order me to essentially work for them rather than myself. But what would happen if I changed my mind and became as they are, a lazy, demanding, selfish lounger? What if I complained loudly that I was hungry and nobody was working hard in the hot sun to feed me? What if everyone changed their minds, Mr. President? What if all the hard-working, diligent, responsible people of America decided not to be suckers and play your stupid game? Who would support the deadbeats then? How could your stimulus plan overcome that?
His Serene Loftiness: Uhh...I have to admit I didn't see that one coming. That could be a problem.
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