Inauguration Day

Monday, 20 January 2025: It is a cold but sunshiney day in Washington, DC.  Her Excellency the President Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton relaxes in her leather club chair on the West Front of the Capitol, comfortably observing the proceedings as she awaits the inauguration of her successor, President-elect Kamala Harris, as the 46  ^th President of the United States.  It is altogether fitting that the first black woman to hold that office should be sworn in on the Federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday, setting yet another milestone in this great country’s history. A great day to be alive, she thinks – indeed, a great day to be an American!

And as she waits, Her Excellency the President reflects on the milestones passed in her own career, the monuments to a career unmatched in American politics, starting with helping drive the loathsome Richard Nixon from office, then First Lady of Arkansas, First Lady of the United States, United States Senator from New York, Secretary of State and finally the brass ring itself, the grand prize, the Oval Office.  No-one else could have done it, no-one else had the combination of intelligence, drive, commitment, supreme patience and ruthlessness required to maneuver through scandal and infidelity and Congressional investigations for forty-five years to the most powerful office in the world, and as she transitions to her next role – Secretary-General of the United Nations – she leaves behind a legacy unmatched in American history:

·         After passing the largest tax increase in world history, unemployment stands at 12%, the economy contracts at an annual rate of -1.5% and the national deficit stands at $30 trillion. However, the minimum wage is raised to $25 per hour, the retirement age is lowered to 55 with a month’s paid vacation every year, Washington, DC, is granted full voting rights in Congress, community college is now free, all student loans are forgiven and a minimum 2.0 GPA upon graduation is guaranteed.

·         When Obamacare goes bankrupt, Her Excellency promptly cancels it and replaces it with the National Health Care System, the single-payer, government-controlled program she’s dreamed of for fifty years.  The Federal deficit explodes and such cancellation and replacement are entirely illegal, as are her other actions, but Congress is afraid to confront her for fear of being called sexists, just as they were afraid of confronting Barack Hussein Obama “unh, unh, unh!” for fear of being called racists, and the Republican Party splits in two.

·         By Executive Order, all convicted felons have their voting rights restored and all illegal immigrants are pardoned and granted full U.S. citizenship.  In addition, Her Excellency appoints the first transgender person to her Cabinet and the first lesbian as Chairperson of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

·         To prevent corporations from fleeing America’s oppressive tax and regulation regime, Her Excellency places an indefinite “hold” on all corporate moves overseas involving fifty or more employees; moreover, executive salaries are capped at $250,000 and ordinary stock trades are taxed at 15%.

·         California declares bankruptcy,  followed by Illinois and New York.  They then sue Arizona, Florida, Nevada and Texas for “predatory” policies that attracted millions of their citizens to relocate, taking their incomes with them.  The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals awards a $100 billion judgment in their favor.

·         Every oil refinery in the United States is nationalized, all coal-fired power plants are closed and energy rationing is instituted.

·         The United States Supreme Court rules that polygamy is constitutional.

·         Christian churches, hospitals, clinics and community service organizations lose their tax-exempt status and insurance coverage unless they hire homosexuals and Muslims and perform homosexual weddings.  Christian schools and universities lose these benefits but also lose their accreditation, and Christian students are denied Federal student loans.  Christian ministers lose their licenses to preach and some are prosecuted, Christian business owners are jailed for refusing to participate in homosexual weddings and over 1000 Christian organizations of all kinds are forced to close.

·         Concerning foreign policy, Russia overruns Ukraine, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, and although the United States is obligated by treaty to defend the Baltic states from attack, Her Excellency avoids a military confrontation with Russia and NATO collapses.  Iran violates the treaty it signed with Barack Hussein Obama “unh, unh, unh!” and detonates a nuclear bomb.  The Iranians annex Yemen and that part of Iraq not controlled by the Kurds or ISIS, prompting Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Turkey to buy nuclear weapons from North Korea and Pakistan for sheer self-defense.  ISIS overruns Damascus, forcing Bashar Assad to flee to Tehran, and seizes Syria’s remaining stockpile of ballistic missiles and chemical weapons.  As she did with Russia, Her Excellency declines to retaliate against Iran and ISIS but as Israel is surrounded by fanatical enemies armed to the teeth, she demands that the Israelis immediately withdraw from the Golan Heights, Gaza and the West Bank in exchange for “peace.” In the background, China annexes the entire South China Sea.

She could go on, but what would be the point?  No other President, not even her despised predecessor (she’ll never forgive the stab in the back in South Carolina in 2008!) had accomplished so much in only eight years, so it was time to move on, time to take her talents truly global, time to ascend the pedestal of world fame and bathe in the glory that she had earned.  Ah, there’s the fanfare!  The President-elect approaches!  The oath is about to be administered, so Her Excellency stands, beaming with pride and satisfaction, knowing that the greatest days of her career were still ahead of her.  “Today, America,” she thinks, “tomorrow, the world!”